A Love Journey

I am going to start my love life after 4 years.  Or at least I want to start thinking about it.

So here I am. Aku akan menuliskan perjalananku mencari atau menemukan my love one.

(( Catatan ini akan di-update secara berkala dan suka-suka ))

Jumat, 17 Februari 2023 (01.36 am)

It's been weird. I have been coming to a stranger and told him that I want to know him better. Of course, he didn't seem interested. Am I overconfident(?) I think he will like me or at least be curious about me. But he said he had someone else on his mind at that moment, and didn't reply to my DM again. But, whatever his reason, he rejected me. Actually, I feel okay with that. But I was disappointed because I was supposed to at least start with someone. I just don't know who's the next potential target? I am desperately hopeless. Now, I am getting tired, even before I started.

Let's think about it. Maybe I should evaluate this method. What I want to do is just make it efficient, right? But, what is the meaning of efficient if it isn't effective? Nope.

Once, someone told me that doesn't matter if you (a girl) tell the man that you love or are interested in him first. It means, you know what you want and it indicates that you aren't a dramatic woman (who is annoying ofc).

Hmm.. But, am I too frontal? Is this society not ready for this culture? Or I didn't understand enough about humans, so I've done a stupid thing.

But, how to reach out to a stranger? And make him see you back. Make an answer to your curiosity about him. There's no better way. Or, at least I didn't see it yet.

Kamis, 23 Februari 2023 (10.14 pm)

Damn, I think I will fall in love with this guy!

Pada akhirnya kegiatan yang bisa membuatku tertarik terhadap seseorang adalah melalui perbincangan. For me, the interesting part of someone is the way he look at this 'world'.

Aku mengenalnya sebelum ini, tapi tidak pernah sepaham ini (meskipun bukan pemahaman yg dalam -namun sepertinya aku tertarik untuk mendalaminya-). Bagaimana ternyata kami percaya pada value yang sama, memiliki cita-cita yang hampir beririsan, serta idealisme yang cukup mirip. Lantas aku melihatnya sebagai orang yang menyenangkan untuk diajak bercerita dan berkeluh kesah. Seperti, nyambung sajaa rasanya. Sepertinya setiap keputusasaanku, tidak akan hanya kurasakan sendirian bila bersamanya. Begitu juga sebaliknya, aku bisa tertarik dengan apa yang dia kerjakan dan turut merasakan keputusasaan dan kelelahan batinnya. Satu hal lagi, aku baru menyadari bahwa ternyata aku gampang sekali tertawa dengan leluconnya (yang tidak lucu(?)). Ah, jika tidak salah ingat aku pernah baca atau dengar bahwa itu adalah pertanda kami kompatibel secara intelektual atau biologis(?)

Bagiku, manusia seperti ini langka, 1 dari seribu manusia yg ada. Gak ding, sepertinya kebanyakan. Mungkin sekitar 1/100. Tapi yaa kalo dugaan angka ini benar, artinya untuk bertemu lagi orang seperti ini, aku harus bertemu setidaknya 100 manusia random yang lain. Oh, sepertinya aku tidak sanggup, aku lelaaaah.

So, why it's not just him? Who knows. Let's see..

Minggu, 09 Juli 2023 (09.31 pm)

I wanna him. But, how?

He's so friendly and fun and easy to make conversation with him. But I think he isn't interested in me. He missed any opportunities to get close to me. A little opportunity that I hope he will come to me just to say hi or punch my arm, tousle my hair, or any other. But he didn't.

O My God, it's been a long time since I got emotional feelings for a man. Have I lost my chance? Does he already have a girl he loves? Is the rumor true, that he has been with someone I don't know but everyone knew her. What should I do? He is so hard to text. I am so hard to meet him when I have a chance. 

Am I not cute enough? Or pretty, or fun, or smart, or attractive enough? Please, give me a compliment!

Love is a science too! I think I should fix the puzzle and solve this game's problem.

Minggu, 11 Agustus 2024 (01.21 am)

Ups, it’s been a year I’m not updating this journey. Not much happen actually, but I want give an update about my latest love journey.

A short story, I met a guy that I considered to be my potential partner. I do research about him and end up I became interest to know him better. Ok, I decided to give him chance to us know each other.

But then, it's not like what I was imagining before. Our spending time pattern decreased over the time. I think that's not good signal, right? Maybe he just lost interest on me, and that's the most make sense reason. I believe when you love or interest on someone, you will voluntarily invest more for her, right? Maybe not just money, but also time, energy, and attention. But he doesn't. IT'S CLEAR AND CONCLUDED. WE'VE DONE.

But, NO!

This simple logic doesn't make my brain satisfied. She want drama and romance. She makes this story become more melancholy. She can't stop making a scenario about him. And this fucking brain make that scenario sounds like he's into me and he want me. That's ridiculous! The signals doesn't prove any of that scenario, but that stupid brain doesn't care about facts and think whatever she want!

I mad of her and I mad of myself!

"Hey, can you please stop being delulu?! Is it how you work to make human drugging to something called "love" and make us doing reproduction?"

Yeaah, no wonder I gave up on this issue several years ago! I didn't have any motivation to survive with this fucking irrational feeling. I didn't have any goals at that moment. But, now I do. I know what I want. And I know for sure, to achieve my goals I need someone to relay on, to be love, and accompany me to the rest of my life.

But this feeling is so crazy. I can't think clearly or being rational, my motivation also lacked, and I keep doing useless activities and become tired all the day, but with nothing done on my work. I can't handle this feeling😭

Can I skip this part? Or can I buy a new brain that has better customize on this issue, so I can handle this easily? If you have one, please dm me. Thanks before🙏🏻